Lain D'arcy

17/Lain's got plans

𝕷𝖆𝖎𝖓'𝖘 𝖕𝖔𝖛'

Four more days, Kylie has been too distracted to give me attention and I've been dying.

Calvin has left which I'm really happy about, I'm currently contemplating if I should go in her room or not. I've been looking at the cracked door and listening to her music. Fuck I'm so nervous.

I pace for a few minutes, pep talking myself until I say fuck it all and I walk in.
She's on the floor, sorting through her clothes and deciding what to pack.
The fact that she's getting ready to leave for a year makes me feel uneasy, I don't want her to go.
Although he will be back I feel like I'm losing her by not telling her the secret I've been withholding.

Thank god for one person who's leaving me alone for one year though, fucking Kiera. She's going to Europe to study and I'm jumping from joy, I can literally do everything I want while she's gone.
I'm even thinking about going to new york to stay over at Milos apartment sometimes while they're there.
Might help me get out there too, get more comfortable and closer to Kylie.

I open my mouth to say something but then realize she wouldn't be able to hear me from the loud music, and the fact that her back is facing me.

I rounded her bed and sit down on the other side of her giant pink suitcase. She lifted her gaze to acknowledge me with a smile before grabbing her phone to turn down the volume.

"Haii," she says excitedly, we haven't been seeing either other much so I get it, I feel the same way right now I'm just good at hiding it I guess.
I'm not proud of it.
I smile at her, not wanting to seem like a Jack ass.

"Hey, how are you doing?" I ask, trying to look elsewhere although it's hard not to look at her.

"I'm good, how have you been Lain?" She asks while folding a red shirt and adding it to the pile on the corner.

"Fine, I've been missing you a lot and now that it's almost time for you to leave It's hard to even think about." My shoulders slump and my head bows, I don't know how but it's easy to let go in front of her and be myself. I feel like even if I cried she wouldn't judge me, she would probably hug me and cry along, that's just how we were raised.
"I can't accept the fact that I'm going to be left alone here, for god knows how long. And I'm not trying to say you shouldn't go because of me but it feels like a part of me is missing and you're not even gone yet." I confess the way I'm feeling, I lift my head for a moment and realize she's stopped folding clothes and is now fully concentrated on me.

Her eyebrows slightly raised and her lips turned into a pout. I don't want her to cry, not because of me at least.
She drops a pair of sleep shorts on the floor by her feet when she moves from her criss-cross position and climbs over her suitcase to fall into my arms.
Instant relief, instant comfort as I've grown to feel close to home when I'm in this kind of proximity with her.
She's my safe space, and as she hugs me I feel the closure I've been needing.

My mom has been getting worse, there's no chance she'll be here for next year and although I'm getting used to that fact it's also hurting me a lot.
I know I'll always have Mr. and Mrs.King but I can't rely on them forever, they have two children of their own to worry about.
Plus I'm twenty years old, I need to start thinking bigger, future plans, life ahead of me and what I want it to be like.

I can't be stuck like this forever, maybe a year without my friends won't be so bad, I'll be focusing on my life and I'll be fixing any errors I've made throughout my life.
I'll get everything in order and in the end I'll get Kylie too.
I'll show her that I'm better, I'm good for her and she'll do good to me too.

I take in the smell of her hair and her perfume, open my eyes and see the glossed over eyes of the beautiful face I'm holding on to. Fuck, she is gorgeous.
Why am I not confident enough to just make a move, kiss her, tell her she's pretty and get somewhere before she's gone.

Do it! Idiot, just do it. Tell her she's all you've ever wanted in your life. She's all you've ever dreamed of and open the damn barriers!

I can't do any of it, I just pull her head back on my shoulder and hug her some more.
Yea I don't think I'll be able to do it. I don't even know why I'm being such a coward, who the fuck taught me to be this way.

I used to be free, happy, in love when I was young. As I grew up I started feeling different, the love stuck but I wasn't happy and I sure as hell wasn't free anymore.
I was held back.

It won't be for too long though.

Everything will change with time,
I promise myself that it won't even take a full year to get where I want to be.

I just need to be patient and focus.

...