Dirty Little Secret - A Niall Horan Story

23 - 'You've got to understand that this isn't the life I want for you..'

He busted into the door, just like I knew he would. It was just a matter of time and it did go faster than I anticipated. I didn’t even check Twitter or any gossip site either for that matter; I knew there was no point. And besides, I didn’t really want to see how it all went down. I for one was there and I knew everything that I did wrong. But hey, I didn’t have any media or fans training, I didn’t really know how to handle direct questions?

‘I’m not even going to ask if you have seen this..’

He started and I shook my head, at least that was true, I hadn’t seen it, but I knew exactly what he was talking about.

‘They videotaped everything. And I mean everything. Every. Last. Bit. Of. It.’

He emphasized the last words and I looked down at my shoes, wishing that I was somewhere other place in the world then right here and right now.

‘Look at me.’

My eyes were still firmly placed on my shoes, which were quite worn out, I really needed to buy new shoes.

‘I said look at me.’

He firmly placed his hand under my chin and raised my head so I was looking straight into his thunder storming blue eyes. Oh dear boy, I was in trouble.

‘You handled it really well for starters, but then everything went way out of hand.’

‘I’m sorry, I really am. But you can’t blame this whole ordeal on me, you have never once told me what I’m supposed to say to anyone..’

I started but I got quickly interrupted.

‘That’s because I didn’t want you to speak to anyone at all! I have said this many times, on and on again but you never listen. I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE IN THE PUBLIC EYE!’

The last part he yelled out and I backed away slowly from him, he was really mad and everything was my fault. It’s true, I hadn’t listen a bit to him it seemed, or else I would know how to keep quiet and just walked away.

‘You’ve got to understand that this isn’t the life I want for you..’

The life he wanted for me? Since when was he the one who got to decide my life?

‘The life YOU want for me? This is MY life, Niall, and I do whatever the hell I want to with it. And besides, it doesn’t matter what the fuck you and I do or what we are. I’m not ‘famous’ because of you, I’m famous because I’m the best friend of Ed Sheeran. At least he’s not ashamed of me like you are!’

I spat out and Niall just stared at me with a shocked expression.  Boy, did it take some balls to spit those words out to him, but at least now he knew a bit of how I felt.

‘This is never going to work if you don’t just realize that they are going to kill every bit of this relationship if we stay out in the public.’

He tried to reason with me and I shook my head, I didn’t believe him for one bit.

‘So what about Louis and his girlfriend? Still going strong after all this time in the public eye. So is Liam and his girlfriend, even though they had a little break. And what about Harry and Taylor? Both major superstars but still they get everything to work. Why am I so much different than them? What is it that is so wrong with me that you couldn’t be bothered to be seen with me in public?’

I was ranting now for sure, but all these questions had been cooped up in my mind for quite some time now. Ever since that day Amelia threw me up against the wall so to say.

‘You want to know the difference?’

He questioned me and I nodded, I really wanted to know the answer.

‘Why can’t you just accept that I don’t want you to be public?’

He was ignoring all of my questions once more, but this time I wasn’t going to shut up and let him win, I really wanted to know the answer this time, even if it was going to hurt.

‘Don’t ignore my questions, answer me. What’s so wrong with me that..?’

I started but I got interrupted by an outburst from the one and only Niall.

‘You really don’t get it do you? I DON’T WANT THEM TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU, YOU ARE NOT MEANT FOR THIS LIFE, YOU ARE NO SINGER, NO ACTRESS, NO SONGWRITER, NO NOTHING. Accept that god dammit so we can move on.’

He was now staring intently at me. It felt like I was huge bright candle that someone had just blown out, it felt like all the air in my lungs were just disappearing and not coming back. Nothing? He really saw me as nothing compared to them? Just because I didn’t have some huge talent like they did.

‘Yeah, it would defiantly be better if you had someone as good as you, someone that could write you and sing you a damn song.’

I turned on my heel and started walking towards the door; I wasn’t going to stay another moment in the same room as him, or same building for that matter. I didn’t even want to be in the same country as him right now.

‘Where are you going? We aren’t done with this..’

He started but he quieted down when he received the glare that was boring out of my eyes.

‘I’m done, run along and find someone as talented as you are. Go ahead; find yourself your own little Taylor Swift that can write you a fucking love song.’

‘Alex please, calm down, we can talk about this.’

‘I don’t have anything more to say to you, now let go of my arm before I..’

He quickly release my arm and I stomped out of the apartment slamming the door shut behind me.